Processing and Digesting

I have realized something about myself. I am either in a state of over processing and digesting information to the point of sheer confusion, or I don't spend enough time processing through how something I say or do will effect someone else. There has to be a happy medium and I am struggling to find that place.

Most often I am walking the line of sheer confusion. That state of confusion usually leads me down a negative path towards believing in lies. It blocks me and cripples me from hearing the Holy Spirit speak truth to me. I begin to allow the enemy a foothold in my life and I start to believe his voice of destruction rather than God's voice of reason.

Why?

It can't just be blamed on "being human." I have no credentials to back this up, but I think that as Christians we are just as susceptible to harassment as any other person that the enemy holds down from living in a relationship with the God who created us. When I begin to over process, over digest, over analyze, I allow spiritual darkness to consume my thoughts. I begin to listen to lies that the world's way might just be "easier" than God's way.

I also think I have to stop trying to "figure God out." If I am going to have faith at all and call myself a Christian, I have to faith IN it all. Faith in the plans he has for me, even when the world around me doesn't make sense. I have to have faith that God's ways are not my ways for a reason that is better than any I can think of.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." Isaiah 55:8

Missing Dad on Halloween

It's Halloween. Why on a simple childlike "holiday" like Halloween am I struck with this heaviness in my heart of having lost you. Why do emotions and memories flood back into my mind all over again like the day you died. Why can't I remember you fondly instead of it hurting so much inside. Why can't I hold on tight to the reality that my true heavenly father grieves with me, and rest in knowing that one day I will see you again. I heard the holy spirit speak through a friend today...she said "we were never meant to experience death." We were designed to have everlasting life. Death is not something that God had planned for us to experience.

It's only through the fall of man that we now must experience and live in a painful world, so that we can truly rejoice when we are reunited with our God once again.

I am blessed that I have friends who have lost love ones, but yet sharing with them brings up memories and feelings that are so painful to process through. I can only explain it as a sharp piercing of my soul. Selfishly I wonder if I would really trade having you back here over the gift of salvation that you received. Sometimes I feel like just one day with you would be worth it but then I realize how crazy and selfish that sounds.

I want to be special to someone like a daughter is to a father. That is a feeling that is unique from being special to my husband, family or friends. I don't have that "specialness" anymore and I feel stripped of that. I know that I am special to my Lord, but sometimes the enemy distracts me by making me doubt that reality. Sometimes I am weak and I allow him to win.

People often tell me that God has you experience lessons in life to help others when it is their time to deal with it...but what if I don't want to bear the burden of seeing someone else hurt? What if helping other people brings up memories that are painful instead of happy? How am I supposed to deal with that? Where is that one person that I can sit and talk to about my dad and his story that will never get tired of hearing me share?

I love you Dad. I miss you A LOT. I miss watching you play with my kids. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss asking you for advice. I miss our time together as short as it was. I miss you on this silly day called Halloween and how for another year you will not be here to see my kids in their costumes. I miss that I won't get to tell you to stop scaring teenagers as they come to my door. I remember you on days like this. I remember you with a smile although my heart is heavy with a sadness that I must learn to hand over to God.

Obey, Trust, and Serve

These have become the theme words for my life. God has brought me to a place in my life to obey, trust and serve HIM. He has brought me down a path in the last 10 years that has been perfectly orchestrated for his use. In the past few weeks I have literally become a spectator in my own life. God has been at work and has been revealing plans that he has for me and my purpose in building his kingdom. I have watched him move in my life and while that is thrilling, I still struggle with the fear of trusting him. What is wrong with me?

I don't think that my plans for myself are any better, I just question why he chooses me. Why does he choose to call me to a place of obedience to accomplish things that seem impossible? I know he has a perfect plan for me and I am truly thrilled to see where he takes me. Now I just need to stop questioning his intentions and trust that his plan will always be for good, and to bring HIM glory.

So I had the whole summer to spend on blog entries, and I didn't find the time to write one! I was obviously busy with three little kids and doing my best to keep them occupied. Well summer has flown by and now I am ready for Fall!

For the first time I feel at rest. I am at peace with the place that Christ has brought me to. It's been a long 2 years on my new venture of staying home, and there have been a lot of rough life lessons to learn. I have embraced those challenging lessons and I have worked hard at listening to what Jesus has been trying to teach me. I now understand why he allows us to experience hurts, disappointments, frustrations, and trials. For me it's been to show me that only HE can fix things. Only HE can save people. And in order for me to grow in my walk with him, there are things I must leave behind if I am going to truly be his follower.

I finally have experienced the freedom that a relationship with Christ brings. That freedom has always been offered to me, I am just new at accepting it. I am ready for the challenges that lie ahead, and I am excited to see what my Lord will teach me.

Here we go...

I am finally up and running on my new blog. If you were following me on my wordpress blog, I moved here only because I am a graphic geek and like things to look pretty! If I could afford to have someone design a site for me I would.

I made it back to the gym today after 4 weeks of being completely out. That is NOT like me at all. I did a class called "boot camp" so you can only imagine what that was like after not working out for a month. It was awesome. I needed to work out like that. I now understand why people on the Biggest Loser were close to throwing-up. I came pretty close.

I have been working hard to reclaim myself. If you have read my previous entries on my old blog, you know that I have been working through some tough issues. Issues that I never really wanted to confront head on, but ultimately we can't run forever.

Things have been good. God has been right here beside me through it all. He has grieved with me, laughed with me, and consoled me. I feel his presence everywhere I go. He reminds me so gently that he loves me and that I belong to him. Man...that's a great feeling.

Hi Friends,

I am working on transferring my previous blog from wordpress.com to blogspot. I will post soon!