Broken Hearted

I have processed over and over where to begin to write about this. IF I should write about this. I came to the conclusion that I NEED to write about it. I need to "grieve this loss" as a good friend put it.

I have been living a state of utter spiritual confusion for the past two months. God has given me an enormous life changing gift through my experience with The Doctors, which has brought me to a place of humility as I look at how he beautifully crafted this gift for me. I am experiencing in moments the "highest of highs" as I realize how none of this experience is coincidence, and how it has ALL been a gift from my heavenly father.

Then...well then at the same time, the same week as my surgery, my world was shaken. My recent position with the ministry I had been working so hard for, was being laid off after a decision was made by our U.S. board to shut our office down. Even my new friend Pastor Martin was stepping down. While the decision left me feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, it was exactly the right decision that needed to be made.

Morally and spiritually, the decision came down to lack of integrity in leadership of the ministry in Uganda. That's all I can really say. Although I agree that we could no longer support the decisions being made by the leadership there, it's been so hard to process through how I am supposed to now "move on." It feels like sin won. It feels like evil is prevailing.

At times I find myself regretting it all. Regretting getting involved, regretting all the time I put into working since I took time away from my family. Even regretting going to Uganda. When I find myself thinking these thoughts, it only turns into depression...and that's the last place I want to be.

It is such a confusing time to journey through. In the beginning I felt like the best gift in the world was being taken from me. For the first time I had a job that I LOVED to do. I found my place in building God's kingdom. Now, its gone.

Then I realize that I have grown so much spiritually in the last year. God has revealed himself to me in so many ways through this chapter in my life. I have made great, life-long friends who have challenged me and supported me. I am now closely connected to my good friend Pastor Martin and his wife Hope. Those are gifts that cannot be measured.

I have also found my purpose in building God's kingdom, even if that meant finding it through heartbreak. I know now, what God's created me to do. Many people don't find "that" when they are in their mid-thirties and so I am thankful for blessing.

So for now I will battle and press on. For with this time of uncertainty comes a spiritual battleground that is trying to wreck havoc in my life. Satan has been at work all around me in the subdued form of creating dissention in relationships, speaking lies and confusion to me.

But God is good. God is more powerful than any attack Satan can attempt to afflict against me.

So where do I go now? I have no idea. I know that God is calling me to a time of rest and I am trying to be obedient to that. "Trying" is the key word there. He knows my heart is broken, so I am giving it to him to mend.