Where to begin? Well hopefully you will grant me some grace. It's after midnight and I have taken two benadryls since I am trying to fight off a cold caused by allergies. Hopefully what I write and what is on my heart will make sense.
I have been mulling over in my mind the top 5 things I want to work on/accomplish this year:
1. Follow Christ's plans for me without fear or reservation and trust that he will protect me
2. Be a better wife to Micah
3. Be a better mother to my 3 awesome children
4. Be a better woman, sister, and friend
5. Spend more time in prayer about how to accomplish 1 through 4
Seems simple enough right? Well not for me. You see if you know anything about me, you know I struggle tremendously with fear. I have shared before that my fear is not of every day things like a fear of public speaking for instance. My fear is deep rooted in the uncontrollable aspects of life. My fear is a fear that has crippled me from taking risks and ultimately missing out on the beauty of seeing God move.
Years ago, my friend Fear introduced me to a friend named Control. Together, Fear, Control and myself, make for one dynamic team. We have been tightly knitted together since I was about 5 years old. You see when I was 5, I was sexually violated by my uncle. Up until that point I was free to laugh, sing, run and play with friends. After that moment, Fear and Control promised to protect me. Together we built a great fortress that hardly anyone could break through. We made great strides and accomplished many great things as I grew up. Control was always the leader of our group, and she made decisions about what we could and could not do. Afterall, she was in charge and she knew what was best to protect all three of us.
Over the years of my childhood and on through adulthood, we remained great friends. We destroyed dreams together because the cost was never worth the risk. We didn't let "others" in our group without a thorough evaluation of how the rest of us would benefit. Control eventually became so strong that she started to try and dictate how my life would run. She was especially angry when I told her about my new best friend that I had just met. I told her his amazing story about how he had died for me and how I had decided to give up my life to follow him. You can imagine how upset Control became.
Although I had this new amazing best friend in my life, I still kept in touch with Fear and Control on a daily basis. I often would ask my new best friend for advice on how to deal with my old friends, and his answer was always the same..."hand them over to me." But how could I? They were there from the beginning. We had been through so much together that I worried how I could manage my life without them. But my best friends response was always the same..."hand them over to me." I still have not done that yet.
My new best friend has been amazing. He has been the most loyal friend I have ever known. He has never forgotten about me and is never too busy to chat with me. He has spoken truth into my life in a way that Fear and Control never did. I want to tell Fear and Control that our friendship is over, but it's so hard to let them go. My new best friend understands this and loves me anyways. He even introduced me to another friend who is with me wherever I go. I have never seen this friend with my eyes, but I feel his presence quite often. The other awesome thing about my new best friend is that he introduced me to his Dad. His Dad is amazing and loves me like his own daughter. Who could ask for more than that in a relationship?
So here I sit. In another new year, promising myself that I will create a new me. I know that I can't accomplish that without ending my friendship with Fear and Control. I know that on some level I will always be friends with them and we will keep in touch for time to time, but I have to build a healthy boundary with them because of the wounds they have caused. My new best friend is patient though. He loves me and wants what is best for me. When I "get into it" with Fear and Control, he always steps in to bring light into the situation and reveals to me the right, solution. Fear and Control don't care for him very much. In fact they get extremely angry when challenged by him.
Oddly enough, even though I haven't completely given up my friendship with Fear and Control, my best friend is still right beside me. I don't understand his loyalty and undying love for me, and I don't try too anymore. I am just thankful that he is still by side and waiting patiently for me to break up with Fear and Control.
