Broken Hearted

I have processed over and over where to begin to write about this. IF I should write about this. I came to the conclusion that I NEED to write about it. I need to "grieve this loss" as a good friend put it.

I have been living a state of utter spiritual confusion for the past two months. God has given me an enormous life changing gift through my experience with The Doctors, which has brought me to a place of humility as I look at how he beautifully crafted this gift for me. I am experiencing in moments the "highest of highs" as I realize how none of this experience is coincidence, and how it has ALL been a gift from my heavenly father.

Then...well then at the same time, the same week as my surgery, my world was shaken. My recent position with the ministry I had been working so hard for, was being laid off after a decision was made by our U.S. board to shut our office down. Even my new friend Pastor Martin was stepping down. While the decision left me feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, it was exactly the right decision that needed to be made.

Morally and spiritually, the decision came down to lack of integrity in leadership of the ministry in Uganda. That's all I can really say. Although I agree that we could no longer support the decisions being made by the leadership there, it's been so hard to process through how I am supposed to now "move on." It feels like sin won. It feels like evil is prevailing.

At times I find myself regretting it all. Regretting getting involved, regretting all the time I put into working since I took time away from my family. Even regretting going to Uganda. When I find myself thinking these thoughts, it only turns into depression...and that's the last place I want to be.

It is such a confusing time to journey through. In the beginning I felt like the best gift in the world was being taken from me. For the first time I had a job that I LOVED to do. I found my place in building God's kingdom. Now, its gone.

Then I realize that I have grown so much spiritually in the last year. God has revealed himself to me in so many ways through this chapter in my life. I have made great, life-long friends who have challenged me and supported me. I am now closely connected to my good friend Pastor Martin and his wife Hope. Those are gifts that cannot be measured.

I have also found my purpose in building God's kingdom, even if that meant finding it through heartbreak. I know now, what God's created me to do. Many people don't find "that" when they are in their mid-thirties and so I am thankful for blessing.

So for now I will battle and press on. For with this time of uncertainty comes a spiritual battleground that is trying to wreck havoc in my life. Satan has been at work all around me in the subdued form of creating dissention in relationships, speaking lies and confusion to me.

But God is good. God is more powerful than any attack Satan can attempt to afflict against me.

So where do I go now? I have no idea. I know that God is calling me to a time of rest and I am trying to be obedient to that. "Trying" is the key word there. He knows my heart is broken, so I am giving it to him to mend.

Good Friday

We spent Easter weekend trying to really sit in the magnitude of what those 3 days represented to our lives as Christians. On Good Friday, Micah and I decided to allow Ethan our oldest child to watch the movie "The Passion" with us. He is 10 1/2 years old and we thought that he was mature enough to handle what he was about to see. He has developed an interest in our faith that goes beyond just learning on Sunday, and I can see a spark light up inside of him when he hears mom and dad talk through biblical passages and stories. I also notice a small piece of me as a child inside of him. He has the same interests in history and humanitarian issues as I did as a child, and I am grateful for how my Dad took the time to cultivate that in me.

So the three of us watched the movie together and I couldn't help but glance over my 10 year old boy. He face was somber. Shear sadness enveloped his eyes and I could see that he was fighting back tears, as if he thought his tears would reveal that perhaps he was too young to watch this movie. Then as my boy (the boy who at this moment in his life has been struggling with respecting his momma) watched the poignant scene of Mary seeing her son carrying his cross and having flashbacks of Jesus as a child, I noticed a tear fall from his eye. He saw that I noticed this and he in turn quickly wiped it away. He snuggled up next to me and for a brief moment in his 10 year old life, my boy let me put his arms around him. In spite of his slightly rebellious behavior over the last year, my baby was telling me that he still loved me.

After the movie, we talked about how we needed to remember to grieve that night. I explained to him that we need to understand and remember the magnitude of the pain that Jesus went through. I told him that it was only through remembering that grief and feeling that heartache, that we could really understood the joy that would come on Easter Sunday.

Uganda-Part 5, Martin and Hope

One of the best things about this trip to Gulu, was the friendships that I was blessed with. Pastor Martin and his wife hosted us one evening with dinner at their home. It was so exciting to meet his sweet wife Hope and their children, after having the opportunity to get to know him while he was here in the U.S. last fall. Martin seemed so excited to have us in his home, and to have the opportunity to host us. Spending time with him and his wife felt just like being with family. I wish that my husband could have been there too, so I had Martin talk to him on the phone while I was there.

We sat and had dinner together and then just spend time in fellowship talking through some of life's difficult issues. I had the pleasure of holding Martin and Hope's new baby boy Josiah who was recovering from malaria. It was such comfort for my soul to hold that beautiful baby!

Sweet baby Josiah

The "kitchen" very humbling to see

Hope proudly showing us her kitchen and preparing dinner

Pastor Martin, Hope and Me

Uganda-Part 4, House of Hope Orphanage

This was the day I was waiting for. I was finally going to have the opportunity to meet the children that I was working to find support for in the U.S. I had heard stories from those who had traveled to Gulu about how amazing these kids were, so I was very excited to meet them. Most importantly, I was excited to meet the sweet girl that I was sponsoring!

When we arrived, the a few of the girls were sweet enough to give me a tour of the orphanage while I filmed. There was that feeling of confusion again. I couldn't help but think "this place isn't nice enough for these children, they need a better home, they need fans because of the heat, they need more clothes, bigger bedrooms..." The list went on and on in my head.

After seeing the two homes where the children currently live, we spent time in devotion with them. Seeeing how these children worship and love proclaim their love and gratitude to God was so inspiring. So heartwarming. I felt so much love in that small room and I was moved to tears watching God's children sing praises to him.

I was also able to see the construction for the new Children's Village that is being built for the children. They will have a lot more room in these new homes, and it's situated on a large property where they will have plenty of space to play. The water well in the picture below is the well that was built from funds raised by a team at Sandals Church!

Local children at the new Children's Village Property

Mama Barbara (one of the HOH mama's) and me at the construction
of one of the new Children's Home.

My sponsored child Monica and me

My sister's sponsored son Emmanuel and me

This was written on the wall at the orphanage