2010 reflections in 79 words

a few words, emotions, & themes can sum up 2010 for me...

reckless faith, radical trust, giving out of abundance not out of leftovers, obedience till it hurt, isolation, worn knees from prayer, abandonment, the Holy Spirit's embrace, revelations, visions, dreams, prophetic words, depression, at war with the enemy, a dedicated husband, promises kept, blessings revealed, loss, hope, friends, prayer warriors, amazing kids, grief, perseverance, ...Uganda.

looking forward to 2011. the harvest is here and this worker is ready.

December 29

December 29 will never again be just another day.

It is the day that I woke up to the phone call of "Come to UCLA right away. The ICU doctors want to see you."

It is the day that I heard the words "there is nothing more we can do."

It is the day that I told my children that I was leaving to cheer their Papa onto heaven.

It is the day that my husband was put in the awkward position of deciding what time to remove my Dad from life support.

It is the day that I saw my dad's pulse increase each time I whispered in his ear that he was a great Papa & Dad, and felt the squeeze of his hand.

It is the day that my hope was extinguished of seeing my Dad live his life here on earth as a new Christian.

It is the day that I felt the Holy Spirit's, power, love and mercy, in a small cramped ICU room, hover over our family as my sisters and I read scripture out loud to him.

It is the day that I laid my head on my Dad's shoulder, and told him how awesome heaven was going to be.

It is the day that I asked my Dad to tell Jesus that I loved him and to give him a hug for me.

It is the day I felt so proud for how hard my Dad fought to stay alive.

It is the day I experienced the most conflicting feelings of joy for my Dad's salvation, and anger towards God for taking my my Dad from me.

It is the day that I started having severe pre-labor contractions in my 7 month of pregnancy.

It is the day that my Dad left this earth.

But not forever.

And for that hope, I praise God.

Going Crazy

I feel like my mind is at war with itself. I am completely entrenched in ministry work and it's consuming my mind. Mostly in ways that are resulting in great growth. Then in some ways that are causing great conflict in my soul.

Call it "reverse culture shock" (I don't even know if that's a real term). All I know is I am really starting to struggle with living my normal, everyday life here in the states, while I am being exposed to what's happening in the world through working for Favor.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the blessings I have to be an American. To live here freely. To proclaim that I am a Christian and have access to a bible. To know that I won't be hunted down for being a Christian.

I am starting to see that the things I complain about, are really vain and self-centered. For instance, I constantly complain about my weight and physical appearance. I am never happy with how I look. But God has been showing me that instead of complaining about my weight, maybe I should be thankful for the abundance of food that I have. If I stopped and took the time to realize that when I complain about my weight, that another child will go to bed hungry in world, maybe I wouldn't have a weight problem.

I am also struggling in seeing the complacency in people around me. Seeing the materialism of this country swarm around me, while people become mindlessly consumed by it. To see people spend thousands of dollars on themselves, building their kingdoms, without giving to anything eternal. To see so many lost people mindlessly existing day-to-day, not knowing that there is a God who created and loves them...hurts my heart.

I feel overwhelmed...I don't know what to do.

Sounds extremely judgmental doesn't it? I know it is. I don't know what to do with it. It's there. It sits in my heart and stews. Maybe it's the enemy's way of distracting me from my focus? Maybe I need to pray that people's hearts will be changed.

Maybe I need to stop sounding so self-righteous.

Following God's Leading

I am starting to embrace what it means to be a daughter of the King.

He is moving and working through me in ways that can only be attributed to him.

He is challenging me, calling me out to really understand what "bearing his cross" truly means.

He has brought me to my knees and has been teaching me what it means to have reverence before him.

He is showing me that I cannot save anyone. Only he can truly change the hearts of his people.

He is revealing himself through the faithfulness of his people.

He has sent his son Jesus to battle the darkness that lurks around me, and has made a clear path for me to follow.

He whispers to me that it will be alright. He shouts at me when I start to fall in the trap of the enemy.

He is revealing to me his passion for this broken world, his longing to see his people reconciled to him, his hurting heart for his creation to come back to him.

He is revealing to me my purpose in that plan.

That frightens me. No. That terrifies me. But here I am Lord. Take all of me. I'm all yours.