6 months later

6 months later this post finds me in a new kind of normal. 6 months later, I still don't believe I am on the path that God has brought me on. 6 months later, I am still relying on my faith to pull me through it all. 6 months later, I am still fighting the enemy and his assaults against my soul.

I am now not only in the trenches of running my consulting firm, I am also now a VP of Development for an international Christian non-profit called Favor of God Ministries. What the heck? Why does God continue to call me into these roles that I am so unqualified to fill? I can't even figure out how to mother my children properly, or be a "good wife" so why does he keeping asking me to serve him this way?

A few months ago, I was sharing with my pastor about how I would rather run and hide than to deal with the attack of the enemy that comes with the work that God has clearly purposed me for. His simple response to me was "so what you're saying is you would rather be an ineffective woman of God." OUCH.

Of course I don't want to be an ineffective woman of God, but I also feel defeated very quickly. The defeat comes from verbal attacks by the enemy, that I of course listen too, internalize, and ultimately start doubting my ability to fulfill God's purpose for my life. In the same way that God pursues me, the enemy pursues me, and he is relentless. I am the only one that feels this way?

Now I have global challenges to face. I am working for a ministry whose staff in Gulu, Uganda are living out the life of a servant Christian, more than I have seen most American Christians do. Now I am trying to raise money for a ministry where lives are being saved physically and spiritually, so the attacks from the enemy have become all out assaults. I am fighting an enemy that has a stronghold in the U.S. in more ways than I had ever noticed before, particularly in the sin of loving money. In just a few short months, I have encountered examples of "Christians" who say they can't afford to support our Christian brothers and sisters overseas to spread the gospel message, but who can afford to budget and save for the next new iPhone, jeans, computer, the list is endless.

How do I not get discouraged by this? I have no idea. I just know that I have to press on and trust that God will touch the hearts of his people.