It's Halloween. Why on a simple childlike "holiday" like Halloween am I struck with this heaviness in my heart of having lost you. Why do emotions and memories flood back into my mind all over again like the day you died. Why can't I remember you fondly instead of it hurting so much inside. Why can't I hold on tight to the reality that my true heavenly father grieves with me, and rest in knowing that one day I will see you again. I heard the holy spirit speak through a friend today...she said "we were never meant to experience death." We were designed to have everlasting life. Death is not something that God had planned for us to experience.
It's only through the fall of man that we now must experience and live in a painful world, so that we can truly rejoice when we are reunited with our God once again.
I am blessed that I have friends who have lost love ones, but yet sharing with them brings up memories and feelings that are so painful to process through. I can only explain it as a sharp piercing of my soul. Selfishly I wonder if I would really trade having you back here over the gift of salvation that you received. Sometimes I feel like just one day with you would be worth it but then I realize how crazy and selfish that sounds.
I want to be special to someone like a daughter is to a father. That is a feeling that is unique from being special to my husband, family or friends. I don't have that "specialness" anymore and I feel stripped of that. I know that I am special to my Lord, but sometimes the enemy distracts me by making me doubt that reality. Sometimes I am weak and I allow him to win.
People often tell me that God has you experience lessons in life to help others when it is their time to deal with it...but what if I don't want to bear the burden of seeing someone else hurt? What if helping other people brings up memories that are painful instead of happy? How am I supposed to deal with that? Where is that one person that I can sit and talk to about my dad and his story that will never get tired of hearing me share?
I love you Dad. I miss you A LOT. I miss watching you play with my kids. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss asking you for advice. I miss our time together as short as it was. I miss you on this silly day called Halloween and how for another year you will not be here to see my kids in their costumes. I miss that I won't get to tell you to stop scaring teenagers as they come to my door. I remember you on days like this. I remember you with a smile although my heart is heavy with a sadness that I must learn to hand over to God.
