My Episode of "The Doctors" TV Show

The episode of The Doctors show that I was on aired on February 7, 2010. I was in Uganda that day, so my hubby got to watch it without me. Click here for the link to the show!

The Good Wife

I have been wanting to write about this for a long time, but have hesitated because I thought I would find a good answer. This is just my heart and brain working out loud.

I wonder if any other Christian wives struggle with understanding what it means to be a "good wife." I see many examples of Christian women seamlessly fitting into the ideal standard of what our Christan culture deems appropriate as the ideal wife. They seem happy. They have great kids, nice homes, they serve others. But I can't help but feel like something is missing from their lives.

I believe that being a mother and a wife is a gift, a blessing, from God to be treasured. I love my husband. I would give my life for my children. But I also know that God has purposed me as a daughter in his kingdom to do something great for his glory, beyond being a good wife or mother. I believe that he has purposed ALL of his daughters for a specific role in a plan that he has delicately orchestrated.

I worry sometimes if we as wives are missing out on what our great purpose is. Has our "Christian society" crafted the role of a good wife in such a way that it is keeping us from experiencing God in a radical way? Has our role as wives and mothers kept us so preoccupied, that we are forgetting that we were created to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with the world?

I have been thinking these thoughts because I often hear other women tell me "that's so great that you get to do ministry work that's impacting Africa with the gospel." or "you have such a big job, I don't know how you do it with three kids and a husband." While I am sure those comments are meant as compliments, they make me sad.

I am nobody special. I am a mom just like you. I am a wife just like you. God is how I am able to do this job. He is the reason any of this works or makes sense.

I wonder how many women out there are truly missing out. I am not saying that we are all called to Africa. But I am saying that we are all commanded by Jesus to bring the gospel to the world. We don't get a "pass" on this command because we are busy being good wives or mothers.

I believe that as women we have a kind of spiritual strength that the world needs to see. I want so badly to see normal, everyday wives and mothers come together and do something thunderous for God's kingdom.

I am not sure what we are waiting for. Maybe we are all too busy being the good wife.

He Blessed Me

January 3 was an ordinary day at home as a mom. While Owen was climbing all over my back, I was surfing around on the internet, while watching Dr. Phil. I ended up on the website for the show "The Doctors" and starting reading different articles about health issues.

I saw a call for stories asking about struggles women were facing with their body after having children. I decided on a whim to write a short story about myself. I explained that I felt like I was doing everything I could to diet and stay in shape, but that I couldn't figure out what to do about my stomach and the extra skin that has come with stretching from 3 very large babies! With all that though, I stressed the point that for me this wasn't a vanity issue. My goal wasn't to wear a bikini, my goal was to wear pants that were my size.

TWO hours later I get an email from a producer asking for more information. By the next day, I was on the phone with the producer asking me to be a guest on their show the following Thursday, the 13th! She said the segment was on "Medical Firsts" and that she wanted me to be a guest asking Dr. Ordon questions about considering my first cosmetic surgery, and if that was an option for me to fix my stomach.

Of course I said yes.

Fast forward to Thursday, January 13. I hadn't even told my family yet what was happening. I didn't even think to really because I was just going to an audience member. I was supposed to be at the Paramount lot by 9am. We almost didn't make it because I gave Micah the wrong address. We were stressed.

I prayed silently in the car. We arrived at the set at 8:56 am.

Did God have something in store for me? I had no idea. I wasn't banking on it. But he got us there. Somehow, he got us there.

Micah, my friend Christina and I are taken to The Doctor's studio, and escorted to my dressing room. WHAT?! My dressing room?! Seriously this was starting to become really exciting. It even had my name on the door! The 3 of us were like kids on Christmas Day. What was going on?

I go to hair and make-up. That was fun. Then the producer comes in and gives me a general idea of what to say when I am asking Dr. Ordon my question. Sounds easy. I ask the question, he answers, I sit down. I got this.

A stage director comes and takes us down to our seats in the audience. We are still giddy. We are still like kids on Christmas Day waiting in anticipation.

The Doctors come out on stage. I see Dr. Ordon and I get NERVOUS! Oh my gosh...what the heck was I supposed to say again!

Then came my cue. Dr. Travis Stork (YES THE DR. STORK!) says "we have some questions from the audience now." I stand up. I am going to puke. "Oh my gosh...what the heck was I supposed to say again..." is running through my mind...

I say something like "Hi, my name is Nesha and I have a question for Dr. Ordon. I have been blessed with 3 great kids, all of who were 9 lbs and over and birth. And I feel like I have done everything I can through diet and excercise to get back in shape, but I don't know what to do with all of this excess skin and fat in my stomach."

I think that is what I said. I can't remember. It was all a fog.

Dr. Ordon starts to answer me. He says "first of all you look great for having three kids, let's applaud you for that." I am BLUSHING. I don't take words of affirmation well at all. The audience claps. I just want to sit down and hide.

I can't remember what he says. He is talking directly to me and I have no idea what he is saying. Then I hear him say "since you're here, why don't you come on up and we'll take a look at you."

WHAT!

NO ONE has seen my stomach. I hide her very well. Not even my husband has really seen what it looks like because I hold it in all the time.

There I went. Up on stage. Dr. Masterson (the only female doctor) gets up and helps hold up my shirt. Dr. Ordon starts rolling down the top of my skirt to see my belly. I AM GOING TO DIE is all I can think.

He starts marking on my belly with a sharpie. I can barely hear what he is saying. I am so nervous. I do remember him saying, "this is not fat." That puts me at ease. I knew it! I have been trying so hard to get my stomach in shape. Maybe I am not crazy.

Then he looks up at me and says "do people often think you're pregnant?" My eyes swell with tears. All the time. All the time and I am so tired of how humiliating that feels. And its almost always women. Women can be so mean. But it's not their fault. I really do look pregnant.

I answer with a simple "yes, all the time." I barely get the words out because I am on the verge of tears.

He gets up and says, "you know I do a lot of these kinds of procedures." I say something stupid like "I know. And my husband and I have talked about doing this for me..." I can't remember what else I said, because what happened next was God blessing one of his insignificant, unworthy daughters....

Dr. Ordon said "well The Doctors show would like to offer to do this surgery for you." I started to CRY. I was so shocked. I couldn't even answer him. He said "would you like me to do this for you?" I barely got the word out but quietly said "yes." He hugged me and I cried more. I said "thank you so much, this is truly a blessing for me!" He simply said "you deserve it."

I am still stunned. Barely a week later and I am still trying to process through what happened that day. I immediately started to worry about people judging me. Unfortunately, I worry most about other Christians judging me. I have quickly found that people treat you differently when you are in ministry.

Micah and Christina had to remind me that this was a blessing. This was a gift not just from The Doctor's, but from my Father in Heaven. This was something I was probably never going to pay for myself. I have too many things that I want to accomplish for God's kingdom, that I just couldn't see how I would ever make this happen financially.

But God did. He blessed me. He blessed me. He BLESSED me. For that, I am SO thankful. There will be those that judge me. But the truth is, they were probably never my friend to begin with. I can't let Satan try to harass me to diminish the fact that my heavenly Daddy, BLESSED me.

Christmas Break 2010

Christmas break 2010 was just that. A BREAK. A time to slow down, rest, reflect, and hibernate as a family. We needed that. We needed quiet. We needed days with no agenda or chaos. We needed time to reconnect.

We had a very quiet Christmas. Micah and I set a modest budget for gifts for the kids, and stuck to it. Christmas was different this year for them. We talked to them a lot about how as a family we wo

uld not be celebrating Christmas with all

the materialism that it has involved in the past. We

talked to them a lot about Favor of God, and the orphans at the House of Hope, and tried our best to give them an understanding of how we needed to be fully accountable to God for all of financial blessings he has given to us.

We also had some days of fun and being silly. We went to Disneyland, to the snow, took part in being on a boat for the Huntington Beach parade, walked around the Mission Inn downtown to see the lights, and visited Grandpa Jim up in Ventura.

So as I said it was a time of quiet. A time of rest to prepare for the fieldwork that God was going to quickly call to action come January 1st!

2010 reflections in 79 words

a few words, emotions, & themes can sum up 2010 for me...

reckless faith, radical trust, giving out of abundance not out of leftovers, obedience till it hurt, isolation, worn knees from prayer, abandonment, the Holy Spirit's embrace, revelations, visions, dreams, prophetic words, depression, at war with the enemy, a dedicated husband, promises kept, blessings revealed, loss, hope, friends, prayer warriors, amazing kids, grief, perseverance, ...Uganda.

looking forward to 2011. the harvest is here and this worker is ready.

December 29

December 29 will never again be just another day.

It is the day that I woke up to the phone call of "Come to UCLA right away. The ICU doctors want to see you."

It is the day that I heard the words "there is nothing more we can do."

It is the day that I told my children that I was leaving to cheer their Papa onto heaven.

It is the day that my husband was put in the awkward position of deciding what time to remove my Dad from life support.

It is the day that I saw my dad's pulse increase each time I whispered in his ear that he was a great Papa & Dad, and felt the squeeze of his hand.

It is the day that my hope was extinguished of seeing my Dad live his life here on earth as a new Christian.

It is the day that I felt the Holy Spirit's, power, love and mercy, in a small cramped ICU room, hover over our family as my sisters and I read scripture out loud to him.

It is the day that I laid my head on my Dad's shoulder, and told him how awesome heaven was going to be.

It is the day that I asked my Dad to tell Jesus that I loved him and to give him a hug for me.

It is the day I felt so proud for how hard my Dad fought to stay alive.

It is the day I experienced the most conflicting feelings of joy for my Dad's salvation, and anger towards God for taking my my Dad from me.

It is the day that I started having severe pre-labor contractions in my 7 month of pregnancy.

It is the day that my Dad left this earth.

But not forever.

And for that hope, I praise God.

Going Crazy

I feel like my mind is at war with itself. I am completely entrenched in ministry work and it's consuming my mind. Mostly in ways that are resulting in great growth. Then in some ways that are causing great conflict in my soul.

Call it "reverse culture shock" (I don't even know if that's a real term). All I know is I am really starting to struggle with living my normal, everyday life here in the states, while I am being exposed to what's happening in the world through working for Favor.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the blessings I have to be an American. To live here freely. To proclaim that I am a Christian and have access to a bible. To know that I won't be hunted down for being a Christian.

I am starting to see that the things I complain about, are really vain and self-centered. For instance, I constantly complain about my weight and physical appearance. I am never happy with how I look. But God has been showing me that instead of complaining about my weight, maybe I should be thankful for the abundance of food that I have. If I stopped and took the time to realize that when I complain about my weight, that another child will go to bed hungry in world, maybe I wouldn't have a weight problem.

I am also struggling in seeing the complacency in people around me. Seeing the materialism of this country swarm around me, while people become mindlessly consumed by it. To see people spend thousands of dollars on themselves, building their kingdoms, without giving to anything eternal. To see so many lost people mindlessly existing day-to-day, not knowing that there is a God who created and loves them...hurts my heart.

I feel overwhelmed...I don't know what to do.

Sounds extremely judgmental doesn't it? I know it is. I don't know what to do with it. It's there. It sits in my heart and stews. Maybe it's the enemy's way of distracting me from my focus? Maybe I need to pray that people's hearts will be changed.

Maybe I need to stop sounding so self-righteous.

Following God's Leading

I am starting to embrace what it means to be a daughter of the King.

He is moving and working through me in ways that can only be attributed to him.

He is challenging me, calling me out to really understand what "bearing his cross" truly means.

He has brought me to my knees and has been teaching me what it means to have reverence before him.

He is showing me that I cannot save anyone. Only he can truly change the hearts of his people.

He is revealing himself through the faithfulness of his people.

He has sent his son Jesus to battle the darkness that lurks around me, and has made a clear path for me to follow.

He whispers to me that it will be alright. He shouts at me when I start to fall in the trap of the enemy.

He is revealing to me his passion for this broken world, his longing to see his people reconciled to him, his hurting heart for his creation to come back to him.

He is revealing to me my purpose in that plan.

That frightens me. No. That terrifies me. But here I am Lord. Take all of me. I'm all yours.

No matter the cost

God's moving with or without you. You can either ignore him, stand by and watch, or let him bring you along with him.

I have chosen to move with him. I have chosen to believe in the purpose and plan that he has set me apart for. I have chosen that the spiritual warfare inflicted on me through Satan himself has been worth the fight, if that means bringing glory to God.

Today was enough evidence for me that the work God has called me to do is worth the fight. Today I had the honor of meeting Martin Onen, pastor and co-founder of Favor of God Ministries in Gulu, Uganda. Meeting him in person, hearing his heart, and having him visit with us, is a reminder straight from my Father of the purpose he has given for my life. He is my brother, and I will stand with him no matter the cost.

I am learning quickly that ministry work is not easy, attractive, or popular, and it has required me to live a level of faithfulness that is terrifying. But still I will press on, move forward in obedience, and trust that God will not forsake us.

6 months later

6 months later this post finds me in a new kind of normal. 6 months later, I still don't believe I am on the path that God has brought me on. 6 months later, I am still relying on my faith to pull me through it all. 6 months later, I am still fighting the enemy and his assaults against my soul.

I am now not only in the trenches of running my consulting firm, I am also now a VP of Development for an international Christian non-profit called Favor of God Ministries. What the heck? Why does God continue to call me into these roles that I am so unqualified to fill? I can't even figure out how to mother my children properly, or be a "good wife" so why does he keeping asking me to serve him this way?

A few months ago, I was sharing with my pastor about how I would rather run and hide than to deal with the attack of the enemy that comes with the work that God has clearly purposed me for. His simple response to me was "so what you're saying is you would rather be an ineffective woman of God." OUCH.

Of course I don't want to be an ineffective woman of God, but I also feel defeated very quickly. The defeat comes from verbal attacks by the enemy, that I of course listen too, internalize, and ultimately start doubting my ability to fulfill God's purpose for my life. In the same way that God pursues me, the enemy pursues me, and he is relentless. I am the only one that feels this way?

Now I have global challenges to face. I am working for a ministry whose staff in Gulu, Uganda are living out the life of a servant Christian, more than I have seen most American Christians do. Now I am trying to raise money for a ministry where lives are being saved physically and spiritually, so the attacks from the enemy have become all out assaults. I am fighting an enemy that has a stronghold in the U.S. in more ways than I had ever noticed before, particularly in the sin of loving money. In just a few short months, I have encountered examples of "Christians" who say they can't afford to support our Christian brothers and sisters overseas to spread the gospel message, but who can afford to budget and save for the next new iPhone, jeans, computer, the list is endless.

How do I not get discouraged by this? I have no idea. I just know that I have to press on and trust that God will touch the hearts of his people.