Going Crazy

I feel like my mind is at war with itself. I am completely entrenched in ministry work and it's consuming my mind. Mostly in ways that are resulting in great growth. Then in some ways that are causing great conflict in my soul.

Call it "reverse culture shock" (I don't even know if that's a real term). All I know is I am really starting to struggle with living my normal, everyday life here in the states, while I am being exposed to what's happening in the world through working for Favor.

Don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the blessings I have to be an American. To live here freely. To proclaim that I am a Christian and have access to a bible. To know that I won't be hunted down for being a Christian.

I am starting to see that the things I complain about, are really vain and self-centered. For instance, I constantly complain about my weight and physical appearance. I am never happy with how I look. But God has been showing me that instead of complaining about my weight, maybe I should be thankful for the abundance of food that I have. If I stopped and took the time to realize that when I complain about my weight, that another child will go to bed hungry in world, maybe I wouldn't have a weight problem.

I am also struggling in seeing the complacency in people around me. Seeing the materialism of this country swarm around me, while people become mindlessly consumed by it. To see people spend thousands of dollars on themselves, building their kingdoms, without giving to anything eternal. To see so many lost people mindlessly existing day-to-day, not knowing that there is a God who created and loves them...hurts my heart.

I feel overwhelmed...I don't know what to do.

Sounds extremely judgmental doesn't it? I know it is. I don't know what to do with it. It's there. It sits in my heart and stews. Maybe it's the enemy's way of distracting me from my focus? Maybe I need to pray that people's hearts will be changed.

Maybe I need to stop sounding so self-righteous.

Following God's Leading

I am starting to embrace what it means to be a daughter of the King.

He is moving and working through me in ways that can only be attributed to him.

He is challenging me, calling me out to really understand what "bearing his cross" truly means.

He has brought me to my knees and has been teaching me what it means to have reverence before him.

He is showing me that I cannot save anyone. Only he can truly change the hearts of his people.

He is revealing himself through the faithfulness of his people.

He has sent his son Jesus to battle the darkness that lurks around me, and has made a clear path for me to follow.

He whispers to me that it will be alright. He shouts at me when I start to fall in the trap of the enemy.

He is revealing to me his passion for this broken world, his longing to see his people reconciled to him, his hurting heart for his creation to come back to him.

He is revealing to me my purpose in that plan.

That frightens me. No. That terrifies me. But here I am Lord. Take all of me. I'm all yours.

No matter the cost

God's moving with or without you. You can either ignore him, stand by and watch, or let him bring you along with him.

I have chosen to move with him. I have chosen to believe in the purpose and plan that he has set me apart for. I have chosen that the spiritual warfare inflicted on me through Satan himself has been worth the fight, if that means bringing glory to God.

Today was enough evidence for me that the work God has called me to do is worth the fight. Today I had the honor of meeting Martin Onen, pastor and co-founder of Favor of God Ministries in Gulu, Uganda. Meeting him in person, hearing his heart, and having him visit with us, is a reminder straight from my Father of the purpose he has given for my life. He is my brother, and I will stand with him no matter the cost.

I am learning quickly that ministry work is not easy, attractive, or popular, and it has required me to live a level of faithfulness that is terrifying. But still I will press on, move forward in obedience, and trust that God will not forsake us.

6 months later

6 months later this post finds me in a new kind of normal. 6 months later, I still don't believe I am on the path that God has brought me on. 6 months later, I am still relying on my faith to pull me through it all. 6 months later, I am still fighting the enemy and his assaults against my soul.

I am now not only in the trenches of running my consulting firm, I am also now a VP of Development for an international Christian non-profit called Favor of God Ministries. What the heck? Why does God continue to call me into these roles that I am so unqualified to fill? I can't even figure out how to mother my children properly, or be a "good wife" so why does he keeping asking me to serve him this way?

A few months ago, I was sharing with my pastor about how I would rather run and hide than to deal with the attack of the enemy that comes with the work that God has clearly purposed me for. His simple response to me was "so what you're saying is you would rather be an ineffective woman of God." OUCH.

Of course I don't want to be an ineffective woman of God, but I also feel defeated very quickly. The defeat comes from verbal attacks by the enemy, that I of course listen too, internalize, and ultimately start doubting my ability to fulfill God's purpose for my life. In the same way that God pursues me, the enemy pursues me, and he is relentless. I am the only one that feels this way?

Now I have global challenges to face. I am working for a ministry whose staff in Gulu, Uganda are living out the life of a servant Christian, more than I have seen most American Christians do. Now I am trying to raise money for a ministry where lives are being saved physically and spiritually, so the attacks from the enemy have become all out assaults. I am fighting an enemy that has a stronghold in the U.S. in more ways than I had ever noticed before, particularly in the sin of loving money. In just a few short months, I have encountered examples of "Christians" who say they can't afford to support our Christian brothers and sisters overseas to spread the gospel message, but who can afford to budget and save for the next new iPhone, jeans, computer, the list is endless.

How do I not get discouraged by this? I have no idea. I just know that I have to press on and trust that God will touch the hearts of his people.

Happy Halloween!

Halloween in the Crossman house is such a fun time. While we don't simply celebrate it as "harvest time" as many of my Christian friends do, we do focus on the fun of dressing up and the playfulness that comes with Halloween.

This year, we went to the Trunk Or Treat at our church and Micah had a crazy idea for our car. He wanted to do a political theme and I think his idea turned out to be pretty good. We ended up being President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama! It was pretty funny and a lot of folks stopped to take their pictures with us.

We also did something we hadn't done in a long time. We took the kids to pumpkin patch where they were able to pick their own pumpkin right off the vine! It was a neat experience and as always they had a great time carving them with their daddy.

Driving Miss Nesha

Wow, what a ride it's been. In just one month, God has continued to bless me with opportunities to serve him. Why do I sound so amazed? Why do I put God in a box as if I am the one who determines how he will move in my life? But yet, I remain amazed. I remain completely dumbfounded that he chooses to work through me. Maybe it's because I still don't feel worthy to be used by him. Doesn't he know how screwed up I am? Doesn't he know that I have major issues I need to work through? Doesn't he know that I am not the smartest person in this field? Doesn't he know that I think I am not ready to do something so big? Doesn't he know that I would rather stay home and hide? Doesn't he know that I just want to be left alone?

Of course he knows all these things about me. He continues to draw me out, to call me out, and to challenge me that if I truly want to be his follower that I must TRUST him. It's one thing to say you trust God, it's a whole other thing to see that trust play out in real life. It hasn't been easy, but I am choosing to trust that his plans for my life are better than my own. I am learning 18 years later after becoming a Christian (can you tell how stubborn I am?), that there is no better life than a life purposed for HIM. There is no true happiness in a life apart from serving and walking with him.

I have decided that as long as I let him stay in the driver seat that I don't have to worry about crashing. Sooner or later, I will get it through my thick headed skull that as long as I am driving, I will wreck. While I am still learning what it means to be his follower, I'll call "shotgun" and let him drive and enjoy the ride. I will enjoy hearing the fatherly, sweet tone in his voice saying to me, "let me drive you Miss Nesha. Buckle up, it's going to be one heck of a ride."

There's more to life than laundry

If you were to ask me 6 months ago what I would be up to now, my answer would not have been "I am going to start a consulting business and be a CEO." In fact, if you were to have suggested that would have been in my near future, I would have laughed at you and responded "thats a dream for dreamers, I am a realist, now it's time to get back to the laundry."

However, 6 months ago, the discussion of considering pursuing what I viewed as "someone else's dream" began to evolve from the encouragement of several great friends and my pastor. Back in September, I was asked by my pastor if I was ready to "come out of retirement" and consider volunteering in a role to help my church raise a substanial amount of money for a new home. I didn't jump up gleefully and say yes right away. I knew the time involved in a commitment like that, so I forced myself to take the time to pray about my decision. Yes, I said I forced myself to pray about it. Can you see the beginning of a lesson God is about to teach me in control here?

I remember during that week of prayer that I told God that he was crazy. I complained about him calling me to do something that I wasn't equipped for. I demanded that he call me to do something that made sense. Something that I was certain I could accomplish and not fail at.

It was during that week of prayer and study that I literally stumbled upon 1 Chronicles. I STUMBLED...and God's word smacked me right upside the head with 1 Chronicles 28:20... “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Don’t be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. He will see to it that all the work related to the Temple of the Lord is finished correctly."

I finally shut up. I decided that God must be right and even though I still might think he is crazy. For the first time in my life, I decided to stop complaining, serve HIM, and wait to see if I could trust him. I was not prepared for the beauty of his blessings.

I worked as hard as I possibly could with our church staff on fast tracking a capital campaign effort. In the secular world, that is just plain craziness. I would like to say that I 100% faithfully trusted God in this, but I didn't. I was expecting to feel defeated, but instead God worked on the hearts of his people through the teaching and leadership of Pastor Matt Brown, and on November 15 our church received $4 million in pledges and over $1 million in cash gifts.

God floored me. His mercy and blessings are abundant and around us everyday, but I am so blind to them. I am clouded by the ignorance of my perception of the one who created me. I tearfully asked God to forgive me for doubting his power. There is no other explanation for how we raised that money other than that it was God. I didn't raise that money. I was merely a tool God used to aid in the process, HE did it. I didn't see it coming, but God was using this blessing and experience in trusting HIM to lead me down yet another CRAZY path.

Very quickly, he would be teaching me that there was more to life than laundry.

My friends Fear and Control

So I fell a bit off track with trying to keep up with a new blog. I am already 2 months into the new year and haven't blogged yet. That's ironic given the fact that one of my resolutions was to blog more consistently this year!

Where to begin? Well hopefully you will grant me some grace. It's after midnight and I have taken two benadryls since I am trying to fight off a cold caused by allergies. Hopefully what I write and what is on my heart will make sense.

I have been mulling over in my mind the top 5 things I want to work on/accomplish this year:

1. Follow Christ's plans for me without fear or reservation and trust that he will protect me

2. Be a better wife to Micah

3. Be a better mother to my 3 awesome children

4. Be a better woman, sister, and friend

5. Spend more time in prayer about how to accomplish 1 through 4

Seems simple enough right? Well not for me. You see if you know anything about me, you know I struggle tremendously with fear. I have shared before that my fear is not of every day things like a fear of public speaking for instance. My fear is deep rooted in the uncontrollable aspects of life. My fear is a fear that has crippled me from taking risks and ultimately missing out on the beauty of seeing God move.

Years ago, my friend Fear introduced me to a friend named Control. Together, Fear, Control and myself, make for one dynamic team. We have been tightly knitted together since I was about 5 years old. You see when I was 5, I was sexually violated by my uncle. Up until that point I was free to laugh, sing, run and play with friends. After that moment, Fear and Control promised to protect me. Together we built a great fortress that hardly anyone could break through. We made great strides and accomplished many great things as I grew up. Control was always the leader of our group, and she made decisions about what we could and could not do. Afterall, she was in charge and she knew what was best to protect all three of us.

Over the years of my childhood and on through adulthood, we remained great friends. We destroyed dreams together because the cost was never worth the risk. We didn't let "others" in our group without a thorough evaluation of how the rest of us would benefit. Control eventually became so strong that she started to try and dictate how my life would run. She was especially angry when I told her about my new best friend that I had just met. I told her his amazing story about how he had died for me and how I had decided to give up my life to follow him. You can imagine how upset Control became.

Although I had this new amazing best friend in my life, I still kept in touch with Fear and Control on a daily basis. I often would ask my new best friend for advice on how to deal with my old friends, and his answer was always the same..."hand them over to me." But how could I? They were there from the beginning. We had been through so much together that I worried how I could manage my life without them. But my best friends response was always the same..."hand them over to me." I still have not done that yet.

My new best friend has been amazing. He has been the most loyal friend I have ever known. He has never forgotten about me and is never too busy to chat with me. He has spoken truth into my life in a way that Fear and Control never did. I want to tell Fear and Control that our friendship is over, but it's so hard to let them go. My new best friend understands this and loves me anyways. He even introduced me to another friend who is with me wherever I go. I have never seen this friend with my eyes, but I feel his presence quite often. The other awesome thing about my new best friend is that he introduced me to his Dad. His Dad is amazing and loves me like his own daughter. Who could ask for more than that in a relationship?

So here I sit. In another new year, promising myself that I will create a new me. I know that I can't accomplish that without ending my friendship with Fear and Control. I know that on some level I will always be friends with them and we will keep in touch for time to time, but I have to build a healthy boundary with them because of the wounds they have caused. My new best friend is patient though. He loves me and wants what is best for me. When I "get into it" with Fear and Control, he always steps in to bring light into the situation and reveals to me the right, solution. Fear and Control don't care for him very much. In fact they get extremely angry when challenged by him.

Oddly enough, even though I haven't completely given up my friendship with Fear and Control, my best friend is still right beside me. I don't understand his loyalty and undying love for me, and I don't try too anymore. I am just thankful that he is still by side and waiting patiently for me to break up with Fear and Control.

Processing and Digesting

I have realized something about myself. I am either in a state of over processing and digesting information to the point of sheer confusion, or I don't spend enough time processing through how something I say or do will effect someone else. There has to be a happy medium and I am struggling to find that place.

Most often I am walking the line of sheer confusion. That state of confusion usually leads me down a negative path towards believing in lies. It blocks me and cripples me from hearing the Holy Spirit speak truth to me. I begin to allow the enemy a foothold in my life and I start to believe his voice of destruction rather than God's voice of reason.

Why?

It can't just be blamed on "being human." I have no credentials to back this up, but I think that as Christians we are just as susceptible to harassment as any other person that the enemy holds down from living in a relationship with the God who created us. When I begin to over process, over digest, over analyze, I allow spiritual darkness to consume my thoughts. I begin to listen to lies that the world's way might just be "easier" than God's way.

I also think I have to stop trying to "figure God out." If I am going to have faith at all and call myself a Christian, I have to faith IN it all. Faith in the plans he has for me, even when the world around me doesn't make sense. I have to have faith that God's ways are not my ways for a reason that is better than any I can think of.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord.“And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine." Isaiah 55:8

Missing Dad on Halloween

It's Halloween. Why on a simple childlike "holiday" like Halloween am I struck with this heaviness in my heart of having lost you. Why do emotions and memories flood back into my mind all over again like the day you died. Why can't I remember you fondly instead of it hurting so much inside. Why can't I hold on tight to the reality that my true heavenly father grieves with me, and rest in knowing that one day I will see you again. I heard the holy spirit speak through a friend today...she said "we were never meant to experience death." We were designed to have everlasting life. Death is not something that God had planned for us to experience.

It's only through the fall of man that we now must experience and live in a painful world, so that we can truly rejoice when we are reunited with our God once again.

I am blessed that I have friends who have lost love ones, but yet sharing with them brings up memories and feelings that are so painful to process through. I can only explain it as a sharp piercing of my soul. Selfishly I wonder if I would really trade having you back here over the gift of salvation that you received. Sometimes I feel like just one day with you would be worth it but then I realize how crazy and selfish that sounds.

I want to be special to someone like a daughter is to a father. That is a feeling that is unique from being special to my husband, family or friends. I don't have that "specialness" anymore and I feel stripped of that. I know that I am special to my Lord, but sometimes the enemy distracts me by making me doubt that reality. Sometimes I am weak and I allow him to win.

People often tell me that God has you experience lessons in life to help others when it is their time to deal with it...but what if I don't want to bear the burden of seeing someone else hurt? What if helping other people brings up memories that are painful instead of happy? How am I supposed to deal with that? Where is that one person that I can sit and talk to about my dad and his story that will never get tired of hearing me share?

I love you Dad. I miss you A LOT. I miss watching you play with my kids. I miss hearing your voice on the phone. I miss asking you for advice. I miss our time together as short as it was. I miss you on this silly day called Halloween and how for another year you will not be here to see my kids in their costumes. I miss that I won't get to tell you to stop scaring teenagers as they come to my door. I remember you on days like this. I remember you with a smile although my heart is heavy with a sadness that I must learn to hand over to God.